


Poop Scissors

by Rahenna



Series: Rahenna's Gakuen Heaven Oneshots [29]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: (maybe), Don't copy to another site, M/M, Secret Relationship, Sorry Not Sorry, Teacher-Student Relationship, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Toilet humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21747013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: Yuki eats a ton but stays small. He must be really inefficient. Meaning that lots of waste is produced. So... you know.
Relationships: Sakaki Sojiro/Asahina Yuki
Series: Rahenna's Gakuen Heaven Oneshots [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/483566
Kudos: 2





	Poop Scissors

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the reddit classic: [Poop Scissors](https://np.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1v5zt2/if_a_crime_happened_at_your_home_what_would_be/cep3si7/)
> 
> I can't decide if I'm sorry for posting this or if I'm NOT sorry for posting this. Also, it was funnier in my head, I think... hm.

It was an ordinary Saturday evening. Or rather, it was what had come to be an ordinary Saturday evening, now that Asahina and I were dating. After morning classes, I'd head over to the apartment first and start working on my lesson plans for the following week, and after waiting a few hours to reduce suspicion, Asahina would follow. We would snuggle for a bit, maybe while watching a movie, then I'd go out to pick up dinner. After eating, there was more snuggling as the food settled, and then Asahina would excuse himself to the bathroom to relieve himself and then clean up in preparation for intimate activities. You could almost set a watch to the timeliness of his digestive system, and the timing was perfect for our weekend plans.

Speaking of which, it felt like Asahina was taking an unusually long time. I checked my phone, confirming that he'd been in the bathroom for nearly twenty minutes. Had his terrible diet finally caught up to him? Was he suddenly self-conscious about getting ready? That sort of thing happened sometimes, where Asahina would become extra aware of something that he either hadn't noticed or simply hadn't realized was embarrassing before.

Just as I was debating whether I should go knock on the door and check on him, Asahina shuffled into the living room, cheeks burning.

"Ah, there you are. I was beginning to wonder if you'd fallen in." I pushed myself up off the couch. "I've been holding it for a while, you know."

"Wait, Professor, you can't go in there!" His sea-green eyes were wide with panic. "I'm not done!"

My eyebrows rose. "Not done? It's been nearly half an hour, Asahina. Are you okay? If you need a laxative or whatever, you should have asked me sooner. There's no need to be embarrassed."

"N, no, that's not it! I mean, everything's fine with me! It's just... um." He stared at the floor, poking at the edge of the rug with his toe. "Ugh, this is really embarrassing. I really did my best to find them without help, but you must have hidden them in a place I don't know about."

"Do you need more toilet paper?" If that was the case, I didn't want to think about the state of Asahina's backside at the moment; he was wearing his clothes normally, as if nothing was wrong. "I don't keep it in the bathroom, it's in the hallway closet."

Asahina stared at me for a few moments, then heaved a big sigh. "I guess you really don't know what I'm looking for, Professor. Ahhh, this is the worst. I really didn't want to ask you, but there's no choice at this point." He frowned, fidgeting a little as he tried to summon up the courage to ask for... whatever it was he needed. I couldn't imagine what it was.

"Just spit it out, Asahina. I won't tease you."

"Okay." He shifted from one foot to the other, still staring at the floor. "Well, um... so... Professor, where do you keep your poop scissors?"

I blinked. There was no way I'd heard that correctly. "My what?"

"Ugggh, you said you weren't going to tease me!" Asahina actually stomped his foot, pouting. "The poop scissors, Professor, where are they?"

"Poop... scissors?" My eyebrows would probably never return from their hiding place in my hairline.

Asahina sighed. "Oh no, Professor, are you one of those guys who has a poop knife instead? I hate those, it's so hard to chop anything up without getting the bowl all dirty." His eyes widened. "Or maybe it's a poop spoon instead? Those are the worst. How on earth can you do anything with a poop _spoon?_ It doesn't make any sense at all."

No, what actually didn't make sense was that there was someone in front of me talking about _poop scissors_ without a single shred of sarcasm. "Asahina... what on earth are you going on about?" It had to be some sort of joke. High school boys loved bathroom humor, and no matter how hard Asahina tried to act mature around me, I was sure he was no exception.

"Please don't make me say it again! I'm looking for the special scissors. You know, the secret ones you keep in the bathroom to chop up the poop that's too big to go down in one piece." He shook his head. "Look, I _know_ it must sound really funny to you, and no one is supposed to talk about them with anyone else, but this is an emergency!"

He was serious. I met his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Asahina. This is the first time in my life I've ever heard of such a thing."

"What, really?!" Asahina looked like I'd told him the earth was flat. "Oh, is it because your family is rich and always had amazing toilets that never clog? Now it all makes sense. But what about now? I mean, this apartment building is nice and everything is pretty new, but the toilet _does_ clog, so how do you deal with it?"

"I _don't_ 'deal with it,' Asahina, because it doesn't clog."

"Ugh, really? I clogged a _good_ toilet? I guess it _was_ a pretty big one..." He kept rambling on, as if powered by embarrassment instead of halted by it. "This is the first time it's happened, but it never happens at school. Those toilets are amazing. I haven't had to use the poop scissors even once since moving into the dorm. Maybe I should bring them here."

I held up a hand to cut off his runaway train of unfiltered thoughts. "Asahina, _do not_ bring your bacteria-laden secret scissors to this apartment."

"I was just kidding, Professor, I wouldn't leave my dorm room unprotected like that. But," his shoulders slumped a little, "what should I do right now? And please don't say you'll take care of it, because that's way too embarrassing. You can't go in there. I have to fix it myself."

There was only one possible solution. I didn't _like_ it, but sometimes sacrifices had to be made in relationships. Now was one such time. I suppressed a sigh and headed for the kitchen.

"Wait, Professor!" I could hear the panic in his voice. "Please don't go in there!"

"I'm not. The bathroom is that way," I pointed, "and I'm not going anywhere near there until this issue is resolved. And in order to do that, you need this, don't you?" I pulled open the junk drawer and fished out a cheap pair of office scissors, one of multiple pairs that had somehow ended up in the neverending pile of random office supplies.

Asahina stared at them as if he couldn't believe his eyes. "Professor... are you giving me those scissors? It's really okay for those to become the poop scissors?"

"Asahina, I swear, if you ever use the phrase 'poop scissors' again, I'm going to drive my car into the bay. Now here." I held out the ill-fated scissors, handle first, toward him. We avoided making eye contact as the scissors were handed over, unable to face the reality of the situation. Was getting embarrassed by this proof that _I_ was the immature one? Somehow it felt more like an illicit drug deal rather than a situation that begged to be defused with toilet humor.

I didn't have to be looking at Asahina to know that he was smiling in relief. "Thank you, Professor! Don't worry, I'll hide them really well so it'll be like this never happened!"

"Be sure to scrub them before you do that. I don't want any surprises."

"Ugh, Professor, of course I'll clean them! What kind of monster do you think I am?"

_The kind of monster that creates logs big enough to clog a high-powered toilet, that's what kind._

Instead of saying anything that might get me into trouble, I simply shrugged. "A human monster. That's scary enough, isn't it? Now, hurry up, Asahina, I've been waiting to use the toilet for half an hour already."

"Oh, sorry! I'll be right back!"

~ end ~


End file.
